Things you never say to a man

1. I've smoked fatter joints than that.
2. Ahhhh, it's cute.
3. Why don't we just cuddle?
4. You know they have surgery to fix that.
5. Make it dance.
6. Can I paint a smiley face on it?
7. Wow, and your feet are so big.
8. It's OK, we'll work around it.
9. Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
10. Oh no... a flash headache.
11. (giggle and point)
12. Can I be honest with you?
13. How sweet, you brought incense.
14. This explains your car.
15. Maybe if we water it, it'll grow.
16. Why is God punishing me?
17. At least this won't take long.
18. I never saw one like that before.
19. But it still works, right?
20. It looks so unused.
21. Maybe it looks better in natural light.
22. Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?
23. Are you cold?
24. If you get me real drunk first.
25. Is that an optical illusion?
26. What is that?
27. It's a good thing you have so many other talents.
28. Does it come with an air pump?
29. So this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality.
30. I guess this makes me the 'early bird.

Irenia Guajardo
~Hellz Writer~

Twisted Humor: Nature Walk

While walking through the Colorado woods, a man came upon another man hugging a tree with his ear pressed firmly against the tree. Seeing this he inquired, "Just out of curiosity, what the heck are you doing?" "I'm listening to the music of the tree," the other man replied. "You gotta be kiddin' me." "No, would you like to give it a try?" Understandably curious, the man says, "Well, OK...". So he wrapped his arms around the tree and pressed his ear up against it. With this, the other guy slapped a pair of handcuffs on him, took his wallet, jewelry, car keys, and then stripped him naked and left. Two hours later another nature lover strolled by, saw this guy handcuffed to the tree stark naked, and asked, "What the hell happened to you?" He told the guy the whole terrible story about how he got there. When he finished telling his story, the other guy shook his head in sympathy, walked around behind him, kissed him gently behind the ear and said, "This just ain't your day, is it cupcake?"...

Irenia Guajardo
~Hellz Writer~

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Irenia Guajardo
~Hellz Writer~

Twisted Humor: Raise

I, the P. Niss, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons: I do physical labor. I work at great depths. I plunge headfirst into everything I do. I do not get weekends or public holidays off. I work in a damp environment. I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation. I work in high temperatures.
Sincerely, P. Niss

The Response:

Dear P. Niss:
After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons: You do not work 8 hours straight. You fall asleep after brief work periods. You do not always follow the orders of the management team. You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations. You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in or der to start working. You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift. You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing. You will retire well before you are 65. You are unable to work double shifts. You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed the assigned task. And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags.

Available stories

I am hoping that I will have a press release set out for the short stories....and the mini collection. Yes, finally I got them accomplished...and it did take... almost pulling Tim's teeth out in help with editing, but he finally did....and well I was able to publish.  He wanted to do it the hard way by reviewing a PDF and then adding his notes...I told him to go instead...

Click on a picture and go buy a copy.....available on Amazon Kindle.  You can also download the app for your Android, PC, I-Phone or MAC.....

Available for 99 cents

Available for 99 cents

Available for 99 cents

 And now available the mini-collection of Dementia....or Tales of Dementia Vol. 1

Available for 1.99

 Thank you so much and I appreciate your patronage.....and I will try to get more stories out.....this year...

Irenia Guajardo
~Hellz Writer~

Dark Goddess

Stare at my ashen dead skin

Observe my hands smoldering your soul

Killing joy through lustful yearning

Make your bed and die in it

The woman to stare you in the eye

Violating your sensitive essence

Breaking apart your inner workings

Bringing you nearer to your Goddess

Consumed with dominating hatred

Assisting you to become some one else

Ripping your essence apart from within

Bringing you closer to your Goddess

Bringing you to your knees, you worship

Lifeless pale skin wanting to touch

Enjoying every moment of my presence

Feeding your consuming hatred

Call my name when you're happy

Bringing misery, torment and pain

Shouting for deliverance from life

Bringing you closer to the pain you seek

Releasing your pain in to the night

Bringing malice to those that deserve

Killing those Gods of your past

Breaking the hearts of loved ones

Fueling hatred to every living thing

Begging for relief from your torment

Selling your soul to your dark mistress

Ashen sinister Goddess of desolation

Releasing you from your confusion

Bringing you closer to your dark Goddess

You can find this poem and others in:

Illuminations of the Soul/

Obscurities of the Heart

Irenia Guajardo
~Hellz writer~

Children Stories....

In 2008, my son Uriel...had issued a challenge.  Granted at the time...I was battling...and the only thing that was going through my mind was horror...death...giving up.  But...it was his idea about creating a little girl who was magical and loving.  Where ever she touched...she made a difference.
Granted in my life at the time...I never thought it would be possible that I would ever write a children story...maybe a horror script.  As it was...I had dabbled in dark comedy and it was a great thing.  I made a couple of friends over it.
So the kids story...I created this huge story that I was told either to cut it in half or shorten it.  But my son loved it.  We did a focus group and the kids loved it.  So....there goes the whole kid story thing on how it started.  I had promised that I would dedicated it him.
The main title is Angela's Adventures.  With each title underneath it.  So the first one is Deep in the woods...and with the cut up...Now we have also have The Terrible Troll.  Written in 2008....then in 2011...I wrote 3-more....One inspired by me.
The little Maple leaf....it was hard to write it...and my sister is correct...my children deserve to have this story dedicated to them.  Through it all...my heart longs for them.  I miss the hell out of them.  But...as Marci said...I needed to focus on myself because it is hard to be anything...when you feel your heart is ripped apart.  I know what was going through...especially when you loose..it's called a parent's death.
I know those that weren't there...didn't see how I felt...how I feel now...would never understand and make ASS-umptions.  I know Tonya, Joanne, Katy, Jessica and several other people...were there to try to hold up a broken pillar.  I understand those that don't truly know me...can make all these lies about me...because it makes them feel better....being judgmental.
I know....The Little Maple Leaf...was more about me...I always fought...fought...and I never knew when to give up....till I was told to.  It tears me up in the inside to know that was 2-years ago. 
But...it is true...get your life in order...focus on yourself...and that isn't some selfish thing....besides...they know about my daughter.....the little miracle that came into my world...to give me a second chance....and I can tell you...that she is a combination of them all.
She is very much like Wednesday Adams...especially creating her own story.  It wasn't like a challenge, but watching her play....creating her story...I had to write it....and have it dedicated to her...and of course Story Idea by....she is truly wonderful.
I know...with all my friends...who are going through rough patches....it's just because they're children spreads a few lies....I know a friend going through that...and my heart goes out to her...because I know I made a grave mistake.  It eats me up alive......but...that is who I write for...them.
I never imagined writing children stories...and they got accepted...so in good news...the world will get to enjoy a piece...of something that they inspired me. Even though my heart breaks for the ones that aren't with me...I am not dishonoring them by just giving up on my dream...and one dream is one day we will be together....I know it may be that dream...but until them....I will...continue like Marci suggested...and focus on getting my own life on track...rebuild Pompeii or maybe Rome....where I can believe in happy endings...but....until that day...
I am very proud...that their ideas are coming out...and drawing...my youngest daughter's pictures have become something a lot of fun...it helps try to mend a broken heart....it just felt like Wisconsin took a lot from me....but rebuilding....is the best to become a better writer...to heal the damages....of my past

Irenia Guajardo
~Hellz Writer~